Turning 30..

2 more sundays before i turn 30.Its a nervous wait.So much is spoken about people crossing over to the next decade.But they dont speak about the last two weeks of being 29.How am I supposed to behave?Do i move gracefully towards that magic number.Am i supposed to introspect,retrospect and then take the plunge?Am i supposed to live the last 2 weeks as if it was my last and then wake up on 1st and say ok! I am thirty and hang up my boots?Am i going to go through some mega hormonal changes and suffer from PTS,Pre Thirty Syndrome?I dont have a clue but i know for sure that when i wake up as a thirty year old,life is gonna be different. Good different or bad different,that i have to figure out. But its gonna be a huge leap, a leap that i will be forced to take. Whether i take it happily or not,will chart the course for da next ten years. I know a lot of people will roll their eyes and tell me that it doesnt matter, but guess what- they are not the ones going through this. We shall talk to them when they are at this brink. But i guess its gonna be nice thinkin about the last ten years. When i was growing up. Last ten years have been eventful to say the least. I have learnt a lot, sometimes unwillingly.I graduated, worked in a call center for 1. 5 years, did my mba, joined advertising, in between all that i fell in love and dated him for nearly 6 years,moved from hyderabad to mumbai to bangalore and back to mumbai, got married, got divorced, stayed alone, dated some of the good and not so good men, partied like crazy, made a lot of new friends, lost a few old ones, held on to some of my old buddies, fell into love, lust, infatuation, attraction, got promoted at work, woke up to some mornings with new hope, woke up to rest of them in despair, sailed through some months, dragged through the others - in a nutshell, i learnt to live.I realise that i wont trade my last ten years for anything. All i hope is that the next ten teaches me more. Yeah, i hope im happy. I dont mind the wrinkles, painful knee joints when i run around too much, the hangovers after a night out, the pangs of jealousy when i look at twenty somethings.. I hope i am happy and excited like a teenager.I hope that i dont grow old in my head. I also know that with age comes more responsibility. A sudden need to plan my life a little better. A need to start saving. To chalk out better plans like buying a house, a car rather than planning to spend a weekend in Goa. But thats the fun of life. I am gonna make a wish list for the next ten years. And break it up year wise. I guess thats gonna be my ten year strategy. And in between all that, i am gonna live. So when i am 39 and have two weeks to go to turn 40, i can happily say that i lived my life with no regrets. Ok. So if its a brand new beginning, i am ready to go.:)

Whats Wrong?

I am blogging after 4 years. Tried and failed earlier, every time i opened a page, I would blank out. Later, I graduated to a line and a half but never managed to complete the post. Then why today, why now?..Or should I say what's wrong?..Maybe its everything thats happening these days.. I realised that I need to vent. No, not about my insane working hours, my spoilt client who never appreciates anything, the 4.5 hours of travelling everyday - Those things kill me at the end of the day.I do all that for a measely salary which gets over before the 10th of every month.But I still wake up every morning and drag myself to work..I don’t need to blog for that; my cigarettes are doing a fine job.
So, what's wrong?..Last night I cried! No, last night wasn’t any worse than the night before, but I bawled. I always thought that weak people cry. And i never took myself to be weak. Never. But somehow I felt lonely, super lonely. I had always thought that crying has its perks. Instant attention, post crying lightness, gifts, make up sex.. But thats when you cry in front of someone (special I guess, women tend to believe that for make-up sex). When you cry alone, you come out of the room with a red face, embarrassed as hell, angry with yourself and later murderous when people pester you for reasons. Somehow people don’t get the simple fact that if you are crying alone, you don’t want them to know. Duh!. I also realized that if you are single crying isn’t a great therapy. You are single, you sit in your balcony all alone, think about all the good old times and to make matters worse your ex-favourite song is playing somewhere and then something happens...You realize that you have started crying. Then you are upset, and later tired and fall off to sleep..Alone. So the net result is that you aren’t getting a shoulder. No one is around, you hate bothering your friends coz your upset.. So technically at that moment no one cares. So why cry at all. Yeah..hmm..ummm..Right..
If you pontificate, you know that single life is not bad at all. Like all your other fteijnds in a relationship you won’t be happy now and sad later. Isn’t that great? You know that if you are going to be with someone, there will be the initial euphoria which will eventually die later. Then the craving for that someone will start. The empty bed will bother you. You will want his good night hug and his good morning smile. And you won’t get it. That’s bad, right? On the brighter side, when you are alone, you sleep alone and wake up alone. You wish yourself goodnight and flash yourself that good morning smile.
But guess what the good news is that it will not change. Here, you are not depending on some half-witted moron to make or break your day. Coz it’s you, we’re talking about. Just you.
So, the choice will always be yours – either you cry and sigh over your single state or be happy and live it. You know its imperfect, it’s kind of crazy, it’s depressing and very lonely at times – but it’s your life.